When is too nice not nice? Accountability

I like to think of myself as a nice person.

For the most part, I give others the benefit of the doubt.  I am too nice.

I don't like confrontations.

I don't like to make people mad.... or upset them.  I care about what other people think and feel.

Or do I?

If you do something to upset me, often I will do nothing... because I don't want to upset YOU.   For the most part, that is okay.... there is no need to address every infraction.

But what if you promise to do something and you don't get there.  I mean, it happens to all of us at one time or another. 

IF I say... it's okay.... you SHOULD be able to believe me.

But what if it's NOT okay?  What if,,, THIS time...  it really inconvenienced me?

And I still don't want to address it with you because I don't want to upset you.  So I stay upset....

And I HAVE to talk to SOMEbody... so I choose the closest person to dump on....I mean, this is a friend too and won't tell anybody else...  and explain the situation... so THEY know that I am upset.... that YOU are at fault.... and that I am blameless (a victim).

What then?

Am I still nice?  Too nice to make you be accountable for your actions?  Too nice to let you know how I really feel?

Am I leaving you wandering around clueless that you have really upset me?  How HURT (upset) are you going to be when you find out what happened?  Because you will.... secrets NEVER stay secrets..

Am I assuming a greater importance by becoming your victim?  Absolutely!  And it's compounded by the fact that you don't even know what happened!  THAT is MY fault...

I think I am not so nice after all.  I think I just created a greater problem in our relationship than YOU did.  You screwed up.... I wasn't honest and maligned you to somebody else.

And I thought I was the good guy in this....

but being TOO nice is not nice after all...

When is too nice not nice? Confrontations

I like to think of myself as a nice person.

For the most part, I give others the benefit of the doubt.

I don't like confrontations.

I don't like to make people mad.... or upset them.  I care about what other people think and feel.

Or do I?

If I avoid a topic that MIGHT be a problem for you, what does that say about the way I feel about you?  Does it say that I care about you and don't want to hurt your feelings?

Or does it say that I don't trust your mood or reaction?

If I don't tell you how I feel about something, what does that say about our relationship?  Does it say that my feelings don't matter and yours do?

Or does it say that I'd rather simmer in my own disappointment than deal with you?

Doesn't it also set you up?  I mean, if YOU don't know how I feel.... isn't it likely that you will accidentally hurt me?  You have no clue.  Unknowingly, unnecessarily, you will cause me pain..... and I orchestrated the situation by not being honest.

Wow!!!

NOT telling you how I feel..... NOT confronting you when I disagree..... puts a rift in our relationship.

I don't think that's very nice of me.

When is TOO nice NOT nice? Expectations

I like to think of myself as a nice person.

For the most part, I give others the benefit of the doubt.

I don't like confrontations.

AND I despise the emotional ups and downs of drama.

I have been known to put up with a LOT to avoid the confrontations that lead to emotional upset.

That makes me a nice person, doesn't it?  Too nice, right?

Hmmm...... maybe....  I'm not so sure.


I think my first mistake is when I treat everything and everybody like a potential emotional issue.  When in reality.... they are NOT!  To qualify, my background, like a lot of people's is DRAMA.  I have spent the last few years trying to get DRAMA out of my life.

My response to drama (still) is to HIDE.  When I see an issue arising that might get someone upset, I automatically begin shutting down.

The first problem in this situation is reacting to the word MIGHT.  This is not an objective truth-filled word.  This is a potential occurrence.  If I react NOW, on a MAYBE, I am not responding appropriately.  If I react NOW before REALITY happens, I do NOT allow the other party to react at all.

This is NOT nice.

The second problem here is that when I 'put up with a lot'..... sometimes a line gets crossed and I get angry.  I feel abused.... I feel like I've been hurt.  And... because I haven't clearly stated my feelings, the other party doesn't know.  And they are unwittingly hurting me.... every day that they don't know.  I am in control of this part of the situation and am not only allowing - but actively creating the situation - where someone who cares about me continually hurts me.

This is not nice.

And..... so what about possible emotional upset?  "MIGHT cause upset" should not be a factor that determines my behavior for something important.  Especially if the result is that I bear a grudge and place blame.

The third problem in this situation is that when I shut down..... I hand over control of the situation.  This is not the behavior of a talented, capable adult.  This is someone operating out of FEAR.  Someone who is choosing to be a victim.  AND it places BLAME and MISTRUST on the other party.... who, in most cases, does not deserve my anger.

This is NOT nice.


So what do I do?  I want to be nice.

I don't want to place blame.  I don't want to make people unhappy - that is what got me here in the first place.

Relationships are built on expectations of each other but we should not have to read minds.

#1.  Self-love and respect: I have a right to have expectations of others.  [AND I have a right to tell them.  This is NOT the same thing as taking advantage of others.]

#2.  Love and respect of others: Others have the right to respond to me and my expectations.

#3 - BIG ONE HERE...... others a) do not have to agree with me
       and b) can NOT respond to my expectations if I am not clear as to what they are.  [this is NOT the same thing as taking advantage of ME]

So I need to step up and take my place as an adult.  I need to be clear in what I expect of others, how I expect to be treated and make sure that any anger or resentment I feel is actually earned and justified.  I need to make sure that I do not create a situation where someone who loves me ends up hurting me because I didn't speak up. 

Nice is good..... "too nice" is NOT nice.  It leads to no good at all...