What is it about Spring that simultaneously
fills your head with ToDos....
AND
makes you ready to go outside and play?
One thing I absolutely LOVE about being older is the complete freedom to choose
AND the recognition that PLAYtime is FINITE
ToDos are not. Playtime will flit away and ToDos remain..
So Go!
When energy and opportunity present themselves... take them by the hand and go find your adventure!
I always end up so introspective when I have these seasons...
Someone called me empathetic yesterday - which I may well be -
But in truth, I am a veteran co-dependent. I am highly sensitive and in tune to the people around me. I am here to serve. And my life has been in that path. Most decisions I have made in my life were for the good of others - of the group. Not for me. I didn't even know I HAD needs.
Which is where food and alcohol come in :-)
It wasn't until I was in my 50s (!) that I realized that I am the ONLY person on the planet who I can trust to have my best interest at heart.
Boundary issue much?
So as I withdrew to make the choices that would try to bring this in line.... I became solitary. I spent a lot of time on my own self soothing... fortunately, needlework and yardwork also soothes me. And while those are satisfying..... they don't fill my cup.
I want more.
Yet there is still a constant struggle between the 'safe' space of hiding with my yarn and potato chips..... and reaching out to humans and being part of a group - because I no longer trust people (or myself around them? who knows?)
My word for the year is BOLD
My BOLD may not look like your bold.... but just sending this out into the world is my BOLD for the day.
The sun is out thank goodness! But my 'itchiness' continues....
You know - it's true - food is always there when you need it.
My go to response since I was very very young... is food.
When feelings come forward... there's food
When confusion hits... there's food
When I'm bored... there's food..
The struggle is real.
I made a commitment this year to work at things that scare me.
What scares me? Humans.
Actively letting humans back into my life? I've been isolating for at least 5 years. It's hard. Harder than I thought. And I have 10 extra pounds to show for it.
I think what I want to say is that I want to continue working on being a better human whatever that means. I definitely need to keep on fighting for my own healthy BMI and weight.
And I need to state that the battle doesn't end because the weight comes off. You just fight the fight from a stronger place. 70 years of stuffing my feelings down.... smoothing things over with ice cream and french fries.... that overwhelming urge to munch or crunch of swallow doesn't just dissipate...
It's a continual struggle but this is where I SEE you.
We can help each other.
Here I am - writing again... trying to work my head around things.
How do I get out of my own way?
How do I silence the negative voices in my head?
Carbs silence them for a while.... they make me sleepy..... Handwork silences them for a bit..... until I get bored. Same with reading. I love to go for walks.... that helps fill some spaces.
Will I always be the little girl who isn't good enough?
..who is so very smart but too dumb to come in out of the rain?
.. will I always second guess what people will say?
I don't know... usually I am good about pulling myself out of the funk..
..and it's even sunny today...
no worries - all good
tomorrow is on its way!!
It's been forever since I've journaled in any way. Somewhere along the line, I lost my feeling that I had anything to say of any significance.
And that may be the case.
But I can't help but believe that I am not the only person who feels like I feel.
An overthinker... who has been withdrawing for years.
It's been FIVE years since I made a decision to create the life I want to live for the rest of my life.
TWO of those were working on simply decluttering, simplifying, trying to decide what I didn't want so I could figure out what I DID want. [I had my social media presence stolen in this time frame and along with that - much of whatever social life I DID have. 2/3 of the people I was connected to never noticed my absence... or if they did, it wasn't worth their time or trouble to reconnect - no rancor here - just truth as I see it.]
ONE year started a health journey to add to this... which led to an UP and DOWN THREE years with a successful 50 pound weight loss... a continuing effort to be active - AND TWO major surgeries.
It has become very real to me that I need to work hard on staying healthy and mobile... it is too easy to let it slide.... and it is VERY HARD to keep getting up every day and working at it.
It is also worth everything to me to be active until I leave the planet.... like 'leave it all out on the field' active. Which, some days, is simply getting up and dressed and not falling down :-)
In this past year, I have seriously been working on personal growth and squeezing out all the little joys of life.
The personal growth looks like reaching out to lots of people and asking questions... for some reason this is tremendously difficult and awkward for me and often overwhelming in ways I can't describe. One on one isn't too hard... it's manageable.... but in a group? Oh geez.... I shut down like nobody's business. But I'm working on it.
The little joys? That is a fantastically fun process.... looking for things that make me smile... funny socks... my dog's antics... finding an item I need that I thought I was out of.. randomly hearing from a friend. I think we forget how large those tiny things can be... what they do for our daily existence.
ok - so it's a journal entry... nothing special just day one again.
