I'm Not Normal

Well... okay.. I don't really have a problem with that.

I have often said that "normal" = "average" and "average" is not a goal.

But what is strange to me is that it turns out I have a "condition".  Well, again.... TODAY it is a "condition".

Backing up to when I was growing up,  I was just weird.

I was a nerd.  I was a nerdy, overweight, glasses wearing, know-it-all girl.  And that was enough to get bullied. 

Finishing my schoolwork in half the time.... fidgeting, doodling, head turning, leg swinging....  you get the picture.

I can do anything in HALF the time..... but keep me on task past the initial assessing of the task?  Not so much.

If I had known then what I know now, I would have chosen a niche of knowledge where I could always be the expert.  Maybe like the tax code... or something bookish that everyone needs to know but few like to have all the details at hand.  A field where I didn't have to negotiate with people or play office games.  I don't understand them.

I would have been more fiscally independent - but would I be happier?  I don't know.

I understand facts.  I am not afraid of truth.

It's not that I don't like people.  I love them - individually.  And I understand them - individually.  I don't understand group social code.  I don't fit in groups.

I'm not normal.

I wonder if I would have had a happier life if I had known then what I know now.  Or I wonder if I would have struggled harder because I thought I SHOULD be "normal".  Because I am old now and I know that I simply SHOULD be me.

Would I have benefited from a childhood of being labelled and having experts guide me? 

I guess that depends.... I DID get labelled.  AND bullied.   But I didn't get a stigma of a "condition" - unless "weird nerd" is a "condition".   (I have recently heard myself described as "high energy"... which is a nicely put hallmark of this "condition".)

Nor did I have any help dealing with my way of thinking.... in honesty, I was generally praised for my intelligence and criticized for other characteristics.  

But it's hard to choose an expert, isn't it?  Anyone who has researched anything knows that there are a TON of so-called experts who are mostly bunk.... even people who aren't 'bunk' per se.... might be BUNK in helping ME.  Which is, of course, my criteria.


As soon as I could, I chose to allow my children to learn at home and develop in their own ways.  And I'm not sorry.  Because they aren't normal either.... and I don't think they should aspire to be.

But coping strategies to fit in the world... that would be useful. 

The end goal for each of us is deciding who we are and where we fit in this life we have to deal with.

"Normal" = "average" and "average" is not a goal.

Happiness, though - now THERE is a goal.

..... my definition of happiness is a place where we feel comfort and peace.

So, finding ways to move towards THE HAPPINESS CONDITION - that would be key.

Happiness is my goal.