Empty Nest Vacation Prep :-)

I wake this morning with a knot in the pit of my stomach.

Tomorrow  my husband, my teen son and I are leaving home for a week.

I feel the CRUSH of things undone, of half-finished projects, of all the 'home base' things that WILL happen (and I will miss) and of all the things that MIGHT happen that I have not prepared for.  I already feel the anxiety of things I FORGOT and I do not even know what they are:-)

This was such an unusual preparation for me.  No little kids to pack extra things for... no major worries about entertaining or feeding little ones... somebody staying at home to take care of pets and house and mail..... honestly I'm sitting here thinking I could really just hop on the plane with my crochet hook, yarn, book (and mastercard).. and it would be okay.   What an amazing thought!

After years of packing an entire caravan of extra clothing, games, books and food... and feeling responsible for everyone's well-being and happiness...  it's not my problem any more.  I am left a little empty.. because all that time and worry no longer exists and I feel a hole of sadness.   The old patterns of worry and anxiety are still with me.  But my logical mind says.... "SO WHAT?" to most of my concerns.  My logical mind has been exercising a lot lately... what if I forget a toothbrush, a pair of pants, a snack?   SO WHAT?   There will be no toddler screaming for the favorite toy, there will be no child's tantrum for THE snack that must be available, no pre-teen worry about a missing name brand hair product.  SO WHAT if I forget something?

I am used to the excitement and hassle and DRAMA or being responsible for everyone.  I spent years following after, waiting for, depending on all the people in my life.  HAPPY years, mind you... these are absolutely NOT complaints.  I have loved my life as MOM.  This is a change in my life.... an opportunity to grow... nothing more and certainly nothing less.  My youngest children are now throwing off the 'mantle of MOM'... pushing me away as they must do in order to fly on their own.

My challenge now is to be responsible for me.  I wish I had spent a little more time on it earlier in life but am grateful for the opportunity to do it now :-)  I am excited to go to new places and try new experiences and not worry about 'what happens if something happens to mom'. 

My husband laughed when he read some of my blogs... he loves me dearly but neither agrees with nor understands the feelings I have.. particularly the feelings of loss when my workload has changed so dramatically.   I remind him gently that since he is not a middle-aged woman, I don't expect him to understand.  No gender bias here, I promise... in our relationship, I am the one who chose to be and is most suited for the role of caretaker of home and hearth.  I am not sure that he would be able to weather the intense changes of focus that my chosen role demands.

I am done.  I am packed.  The knot is settling out and I will go about this last day as I do all Mondays only with less cooking and cleaning!  I have my lucky clothes for the race next Saturday, my bathing suit, sunscreen, and, of course, since most of my readers know me... you KNOW I have books, yarn and crochet hooks.... so I am good as long as the yarn lasts :-)