Boundaries... I struggle so with boundaries! How much or little to do with or for others!
I have spent my life saying 'yes, of course I can help'!
And that is good.
Except when I no longer even know what my own plans are
Except when people call me first before they even try to do it themselves
Except when I can't please everyone and I lose my peace.
I found that I became a person who continually disrupted my own life in order to fix others' problems.
And most times, I don't mind, really.
BUT then your life goes smoothly and mine doesn't.... and you aren't worrying about that. And, that is okay too. I probably shouldn't have spent so much time worrying about YOUR problems.
But when it becomes a pattern.... twenty years later.... I have trouble putting my plans over yours.
And, even if you don't validate me... I need to be able to validate myself.
My plans are my plans. And they are valid. They are not - should not - be subject to your judgment. My need to have my life in some kind of order and my method of thinking things through and determining how to help is just as important as the current need you want filled. And "I" need to be the one to recognize this.
And when it becomes a pattern.... twenty years later.... sometimes I have hampered you.
I can't always rescue you. And I should not be expected to. I am lecturing MYSELF more than you... because I am MOM, WIFE, ASSISTANT, VOLUNTEER... all things to all people. I have the need inside myself for everyone around me to be happy - and, somehow, I feel responsibility for this.
As a person with a gift of service, I have served too much. Service is comfortable to me. NOT serving feels wrong.
But how often has MY service hampered YOUR growth?
MY inability to say NO
MY worrying about you being upset or angry or inconvenienced
I want to be an unselfish person.
And I am.
But it doesn't feel that way when I say NO.
Even saying, please call someone else FIRST feels selfish. But it isn't. It is truth.
I want to help. I want to make sure you have what you need.
But I need to be clear that this is inconvenient at this time. That it will cause a problem for me. That if you can find someone else, it would truly help me.
AND in the interest of truth
IF it is ME and not just my service that you want or need, you need to tell me.
Because if you don't tell me this, I won't know.
Without the words, we both blunder in the dark and do not have truth or peace.