Sunday, December 21, 2014

Day 6/365

Waking to the sounds of my 4 & 5 year old grandgirls whispering in the dark morning hours... cousin pillow talk

What a sense of.... 'All's Right with the World'!

I smiled even as I fumbled out of bed to find coffee and the energy to keep up with them today :-)  which truly isn't hard because the TRUTH is that their sleepovers with me are as much about their time with each other as it is time with me.

But what a joy-filled... AND anxiety-filled day!

First off, I want to say that I have the bestest, kindest family ever.  I have an indulgent husband and a great life.

And I hesitate to be open about my fears and worries because I do not want any of my nearest and dearest - family and/or friends - to feel in any way responsible for MY struggles in the past few years.

But I hope - with my honesty - that my children can perhaps spot their own problems before they begin in earnest....  or perhaps they will have compassion and understanding when they recognize similar behaviors in others...  or perhaps they will read a story of healing and know that they are indeed in charge of their lives and feelings.

It is no one's FAULT.... it is a part of me.  AND, thus is up to me to HEAL because I do not wish to be paralyzed so completely

ever again. 

Back to my day, I had the grands overnight and had invited my children to come to my little town Christmas celebration.   And I had offered to read a story to the children at the party.

And this after the party last night. 

I did plan this.  I planned the most LOW STRESS 9for me) events imaginable to step back out and navigate.  BUT

my day was overshadowed by a stomachache and headache that nagged me.... not enough to debilitate - but close!

I was unsure of how many people I would be feeding - though I was close - AND prepared enough.  The dish I planned to prepare - well, I forgot to buy an ingredient so had to pull a switch.  Fortunately, a dish with pasta, sauce and cheese is easy to re-frame!  And I baked bread - which made me feel accomplished...   and kept me busy...

I worried about what to read at the celebration... and how many people would be there... and... and....  I practiced with the girls and the book I had chosen was too long.... BUT I had checked out others so it was all good...  But it didn't FEEL good!  I had plans to "accidentally" leave the book behind... 'forget' my glasses...  in case I didn't feel up to doing it..

Can you see?  I had back-up plans all along....   It is easy to see when I write it down - but can you see how busy my worrying little brain was?

The headache and stomachache didn't help..... but I did have the girls to play with and enjoy (the ULTIMATE in JOY) .... and I did not shut down.

and I am here.... the day after... writing about the experience... pain free :-)

So I am PROUD of me.  And this brings me JOY.

I not only chose to step back into the world.... I chose HOW. 

I invited the family down for a town celebration.... an informal meal and an evening of small town activity.  Easy...
And I participated in the public event doing something I am really good at and love doing.

AND got to be part of some JOY and excitement of others.

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