A quiet day to begin....
cooking breakfast for my guys....
doing a bit of paperwork....
and some major victories this evening...
This is my year for finding JOY
but it's hard sometimes when life is full of minefields.
and at 59, I have learned that while JOY is around every corner... almost everything in life has a reminder of a minefield as well.
mixed blessings always.
Some know - most don't - but much of my determination this year is the result of several years of depression.
where I shut down and could not function in the world
parties and celebrations - well.. they weren't celebrations at all
they have been fraught with anxiety and fear of not being enough
Even my relations with my own family
I come up short
and much of the breakdown is a result of my taking charge of my health a few years ago... losing a lot of weight... and not being mentally prepared for all the life changes that entailed.
But the stress of a group gathering - even my own children and husband - has been overwhelming.
Sometimes finding JOY is a simple matter of recognizing a VICTORY.
This is an explanation.. not a complaint. I have not had the words for years to explain.
And today I want to talk about VICTORIES
Tonight I negotiated a Christmas party without a breakdown. Other than a little pre-party anxiety... which is nervous butterflies and should be NORMAL.... I didn't have that horrible rise of fear and emotion that blocks my ability to function. I actually enjoyed conversation and did not feel out of place. I did not second guess every word and thought - and I did NOT replay the party in my head for hours and hours afterward wishing I had said or done something different.
And, in the midst of the party, I had made arrangements with my husband to drive and pick up grandgirls for a sleepover.... and I did not spend time worrying about or second-guessing that either....
so.... while it sounds quite small when I put it in words....
that I had a good time.... and got to play with my girls worry-free
It is healing.. and I found joy
[which is really good.. because I have another event tomorrow night!]