Sunday, December 21, 2014

Day 5/365

A quiet day to begin....

cooking breakfast for my guys....

doing a bit of paperwork....

and some major victories this evening...

This is my year for finding JOY
    but it's hard sometimes when life is full of minefields.
                and at 59, I have learned that while JOY is around every corner... almost everything in life has a reminder of a minefield as well.
    mixed blessings always.

Some know - most don't - but much of my determination this year is the result of several years of depression.
   where I shut down and could not function in the world

parties and celebrations - well.. they weren't celebrations at all
        they have been fraught with anxiety and fear of not being enough

Even my relations with my own family
           I come up short
                             and much of the breakdown is a result of my taking charge of my health a few years ago... losing a lot of weight... and not being mentally prepared for all the life changes that entailed.
          But the stress of a group gathering - even my own children and husband - has been overwhelming.

Sometimes finding JOY is a simple matter of recognizing a VICTORY.

This is an explanation.. not a complaint.  I have not had the words for years to explain.

And today I want to talk about VICTORIES
   and JOY

Tonight I negotiated a Christmas party without a breakdown.  Other than a little pre-party anxiety... which is nervous butterflies and should be NORMAL....  I didn't have that horrible rise of fear and emotion that blocks my ability to function.  I actually enjoyed conversation and did not feel out of place.   I did not second guess every word and thought - and I did NOT replay the party in my head for hours and hours afterward wishing I had said or done something different.

And, in the midst of the party, I had made arrangements with my husband to drive and pick up grandgirls for a sleepover.... and I did not spend time worrying about or second-guessing that either....

so....  while it sounds quite small when I put it in words....
       that I had a good time.... and got to play with my girls worry-free

is HUGE! 

It is healing.. and I found joy
   [which is really good.. because I have another event tomorrow night!]

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