Wednesday, April 20, 2011

Gone quiet

You have to watch out for me.... when I go quiet.... like a submarine in enemy waters... I'm in survival mode.  I'm usually fairly transparent but when things happen to get me all confused and muddled up... I go deep within and get very very quiet while I figure things out.

I apologize for not writing... I am convicted to only write positive things... and when I can't see above life's happenings, I have trouble doing that.  I find myself being catty and mean and that is not a behavior I want to encourage in myself or others.  I do not admire or like people who spend their time being negative or complaining and I want to admire ME.... so I wait.... quietly.

I am going to share a little bit because maybe it will help someone else... I am not the only person caught in a maelstrom of weird family shenanigans!  NOT my immediate family, thank goodness!  My children and household are pretty normal.. and we've worked hard  through a lot of GUNK to get that way.  We are committed to NO DRAMA :-)

Anyway - here is the essay  ... emotionally with no real details, of course :-)

How is it that a simple mean act can turn the accomplished adult that I am into a quivering child?

I don't even know how to write about it.  It's so stupid!

How can one person from your childhood do ONE mean thing... and send you spiralling back to that place in time when she had total control over you? 

You know that place?  That place where you are fat.... stupid... ugly.... unworthy.... useless.... BROKEN!  That place that has taken a score of years (MORE apparently) to climb out of...

There is a reason that this toxic person is out of my life?  How on earth did she get back in?

Well.. I know how... it was not deliberate on my part.  I got caught in the middle trying to do a favor for someone else.  It is true - that old saying that no good deed goes unpunished!

But the thing is... her behavior is predictable...  so WHY did it throw me into a tailspin?

WHY can't I call her a nasty word and just move on?

WHY can't I feel sorry for her need for poisoning others' lives... and just move on?

I am numb with the pain and have no real reason.  It is DUMB to let this person have this power over me.

Most importantly.... especially since I don't understand how I got here :-).....

How do I pick back up and not STAY in this rut?

Again... I KNOW how!  I can... eat too much for days and get so disgusted with myself that I start over.... I can... DRINK too much for days and get so disgusted (and in pain!) that I start over.... I can (and AM) pull back from life (uhhhh...... HIDE) to lick my wounds and get my strength back... 

I think the answer.... I PRAY the answer is.... what I always preach to others.  HABITS and routines..... go through the motions.... get the normal every day stuff done... hug the people you live with and be grateful for them.
So... today.... another load of laundry is husband's lunch is made... I will run a mop over the floors and walk the dog... I will take some deep breaths... and keep moving forward.  There is ALWAYS hope... and there is always recovery for those who actively work for it... moment by moment...

thanks for reading - and I hope my story helps you know that you are not alone.... dealing with toxic people is something we all must do.  It is HOW we deal with them and how we rise above it that defines who we really are.

1 comment:

  1. I hope things are better with you now; I've been praying for you and hope that on this Resurection Sunday your spirit has a resurection of its own! :o)