Depression is my Friend

Depression

My nemesis

My friend

Yes, I said it... depression is my friend.

I name it depression.... but it might be something else with another name I do not know.

It's an indeterminate time when the world is cold and gray.  There is little excitement or happiness and no joy whatsoever.  I do not have blood in my veins.... it's more like molasses.... I can't move any faster than slow motion.   I sleep a lot.... a LOT... and I eat.... a LOT :-)   I wait.   I think.

And the thoughts are not real.... I have to set them aside and look at them objectively.  I get into trouble if I think they are true.  When I believe some of the thoughts, I come down so hard on myself that I forget that I am my own best friend... and I cannot find my right to take space on the planet... much less a goal to strive for..

It's a time of faith and testing.... because with no energy and no joy... it's hard to see tomorrow.

But I know tomorrow is there... and I know that there will be joy again.  For someone who can experience joy, life is a circle.... there must be a time for non-joy...

Often I feel like winter.... like everything is alive.... just below the surface.... just waiting for the moment to emerge and bloom.

It can be a time of rest.... of getting ready... of slowing down and re-thinking my direction.  There is wisdom in a time like this.... even if I call it depression.

Depression is my friend.... one of those friends you have known a long time.. but they don't make you happy.   Their vision is skewed and they complain a lot..  But you have to deal with them anyway... fighting them is too exhausting.... believing them is not truth. 

Kind of like an unwelcome guest come to visit.... I accept its arrival and hold hands with it and wait until it is ready to leave.  I try not to give it too much attention because it will drag me under if I allow it..... but it's still real and I have to see it through to the end.

AND the time I spend waiting is time I spend preparing... nurturing myself.... and learning...

I am emerging from my winter.... I see it in glimpses.... a tiny glimmer of excitement.... a little sliver of pride in myself.... a bit of a feeling that all is right with my world..

And as the ball starts rolling, I feel more than a little curious about what I will do next!

Do you ever experience times like this?  Do you fight them or accept them?