When is TOO nice NOT nice? Expectations

I like to think of myself as a nice person.

For the most part, I give others the benefit of the doubt.

I don't like confrontations.

AND I despise the emotional ups and downs of drama.

I have been known to put up with a LOT to avoid the confrontations that lead to emotional upset.

That makes me a nice person, doesn't it?  Too nice, right?

Hmmm...... maybe....  I'm not so sure.


I think my first mistake is when I treat everything and everybody like a potential emotional issue.  When in reality.... they are NOT!  To qualify, my background, like a lot of people's is DRAMA.  I have spent the last few years trying to get DRAMA out of my life.

My response to drama (still) is to HIDE.  When I see an issue arising that might get someone upset, I automatically begin shutting down.

The first problem in this situation is reacting to the word MIGHT.  This is not an objective truth-filled word.  This is a potential occurrence.  If I react NOW, on a MAYBE, I am not responding appropriately.  If I react NOW before REALITY happens, I do NOT allow the other party to react at all.

This is NOT nice.

The second problem here is that when I 'put up with a lot'..... sometimes a line gets crossed and I get angry.  I feel abused.... I feel like I've been hurt.  And... because I haven't clearly stated my feelings, the other party doesn't know.  And they are unwittingly hurting me.... every day that they don't know.  I am in control of this part of the situation and am not only allowing - but actively creating the situation - where someone who cares about me continually hurts me.

This is not nice.

And..... so what about possible emotional upset?  "MIGHT cause upset" should not be a factor that determines my behavior for something important.  Especially if the result is that I bear a grudge and place blame.

The third problem in this situation is that when I shut down..... I hand over control of the situation.  This is not the behavior of a talented, capable adult.  This is someone operating out of FEAR.  Someone who is choosing to be a victim.  AND it places BLAME and MISTRUST on the other party.... who, in most cases, does not deserve my anger.

This is NOT nice.


So what do I do?  I want to be nice.

I don't want to place blame.  I don't want to make people unhappy - that is what got me here in the first place.

Relationships are built on expectations of each other but we should not have to read minds.

#1.  Self-love and respect: I have a right to have expectations of others.  [AND I have a right to tell them.  This is NOT the same thing as taking advantage of others.]

#2.  Love and respect of others: Others have the right to respond to me and my expectations.

#3 - BIG ONE HERE...... others a) do not have to agree with me
       and b) can NOT respond to my expectations if I am not clear as to what they are.  [this is NOT the same thing as taking advantage of ME]

So I need to step up and take my place as an adult.  I need to be clear in what I expect of others, how I expect to be treated and make sure that any anger or resentment I feel is actually earned and justified.  I need to make sure that I do not create a situation where someone who loves me ends up hurting me because I didn't speak up. 

Nice is good..... "too nice" is NOT nice.  It leads to no good at all...